from last night

I remember in my younger days (redundant, because as I forget sometimes I'm still fucking young!) to be fascinated with theoretical physics and even to this day it is one of my favorite subjects. Coast to Coast has just been superb lately. The other night Michio Kaku was on, and tonight Brian Greene of all people is on promoting his new book 'Hidden Reality'. Two of my favorite physicists this week back to back! I can only think back to when I was a super nerd [maybe I still am;)] learning all the terminology and theories for fun. Consuming my day reading countless articles on the newest findings in all realms, growing realms it should be emphasized, my days were pretty busy to say the least. Oh man! How excited I would have been to be able to listen to them in this context then. Yet as I lay here I cannot help but to doze off; or not doze off, but to become bored; or not bored but..... I don't know. Whats the word I'm looking for? Well I wouldn't have a problem falling asleep now and missing the conversation; that is I wouldn't be missing a thing. I guess its because George Noory has been asking him questions that are being so materially(?) answered. Or maybe its because questions are answered very open ended, or with questions themselves. Not to mention that when asked about God or meaning, the answers are that along the lines of, 'they [God, meaning] are not needed to fulfill the mathematical equations for modeling the universe', 'mathematics can take the place of experience', or, what brought about this writing, that if a particle can exist in one universe while simultaneously in another it may tickle your brain (that is to say not particularly significant) but if you think about it all your thoughts, everything you've ever imagined, every word and sentence you've ever uttered are just the movement of particles through a given space; that just boggles the mind.' I couldn't help but to think that this was only considerable if it is preconceived that the mind is a material thing and /or our very selves. An Idea I have come to rise above. I have come to realize I am not my mind, not a physical material thing, so In my view all this is beside the point; meaning is the very essence of life/ the universe, plain to see, and not something to be searched for or questioned. As I write this I cant believe my interest in science has totally changed. I'm looking at my library at the foot of my bed: I can distinguish clearly Greene's 'The Elegant Universe' and his 'The Fabric of the Cosmos' from the rest, and I can remember being unable to put them down. Maybe its time to re-read those along with his new work and rekindle my romance?;) And of course, because of my crazy ass nature of thinking, as I express my new loss of interest or, better, fascination with science I start to ponder Quantum Entanglement, the Heisenberg Principle of Observation, or even the Einstein-Rosen Bridge, I know curiosity is still there; it is a very hard thing for a human being to let go of;). To me a parallel universe or a multiverse aren't just notions inter weaved into the fabric of it all [at a grand scale] but have part in what is [in immediate space]. Every choice branches of to a different tangent of experience. What a fractal picture that paints, right? Magnificent. And as Brian Greene says, '..the equations I have worked on in my personal life, on paper it would have taken hundreds of years to solve..' I am more understanding of a scientific minds blind eye to meaning, because what does this way of thinking do to time and its inhabitants at a given portion? It makes them meaningless, or filler towards a grander understanding years and years a far. Always looking for the truth when 'the real is always as it is'. I am reminded of the very humble notion that drove Einstein's quests, that the underlying, unifying theory of the universe was so simple. What a mind of Einstein! ♥ And something so simple can take hundreds of years to figure can it not?;) Which is to say that there are things so simple that they are hard to understand with a mind that obstructs and does not take experience as it is, for what it is. Māyā at work Vedantic thought would say.

(page from 'The Glorious Presence')

From last night

Laying here after the State of the Union address listening to Dennis Miller, with a little snack before bed and looking through a newly purchased marine fish guide book. My favorites, if I could ever choose, are the invertebrates. Beside me are some newly purchased books among other things, and this article I've forgotten to read too many times now. It is titled 'Entheogens and Existential Intelligence', it isnt long at all (about half the pages in the file folder are notes and references (but I love to read those as well)). Things are fabulous! I am really beginning to.... I dont know what the word is, or if a word exists, I am just in this continuous feeling of happiness. I am happy in this moment. Dreams are more real every night. Did I mention the invertebrate section begins in page 111 of the new book?(That number!) Sleep is coming crazily easier and now being unable to sleep is replaced with healthy sleep and vivid dreams. Also, I've been waking up during the night a lot and at remarkably convenient times. Coincidence?;) Synchronicities are and have been undeniably heavy on my end. When waking up during the night there is this feeling that is just too fucking weird! Some nights sleep is so plentiful I even fall back asleep! (This may sound trivial but it is a war won with sleeplessness for me!) I am not tired any longer; not tired of the body or mind. I feel like the water I drink, yeah those are the words to describe now. I hope as you read this you can feel the positive energy radiating from me. Social networking sites are less visited, thus my mind is less cluttered with different tangents of experience. Sounds silly but needed in these times. For sometime before this awesome sleep got a hold of me I would not be able to sleep due to this weird as fuck feeling that Facebook was making its way into my dreams; like my mind now had this dimension of a kind of virtual reality filled with souls living parallel lives. I dont know but that freaked me out and thats where I drew the line! With that being said, sites were not deleted; there is good in the connection of like minds. But balance is required for personal growth which in my experience best comes with a degree of seclusion.;) I really enjoy this blog. Ive always put thoughts on paper, its a kind of technique to gauge growth and re-tie my self to past selves. Does that make sence? I hope so. To publish them was a choice I've come to love, it brings a feeling of openess that has helped me alot. Even now I sit here looking through previous posts lauging at my crazy half assed wishes to travel! In my moment I am so happy to never see an inch outside my immediate space; that is see 'infinity in a grain of sand'. William Blake is always so appropriate isn't he?;) I share now something from the Tao: 'And even though the next country is so close that people can hear its roosters crowing and its dogs barking, They are content to die of old age without having gone to see it.' And from that book 'The Glorious Presence' that keeps finding its way here, and may be cause for my current state: 'Sitting here, in delightful acceptance of this situation, in happy companionship to this portion of Nature, and even for the time being forgetting that there are other portions of Nature outside this garden, I am being made aware that it is a unity-it is the source of my delight-which, when I think of others, I know to be the same kind of unity which some other persons in some other gardens may be enjoying at this moment, in some other parts of the total unity which reflects itself into all gardens, all parts. My garden-it is mine sometimes, is it not?-is my window into the infinite; my delight has for its core my resting in that infinite.' I guess this post is just one of those posts with no central idea, just thoughts while I reminisce and listen to talk radio. By now Dennis Miller is long gone and George Noory's lovely voice fills the room.

Just another day in the Life.;)

If I get everything out of life that I'm dreaming of at the moment..

I'll probably hopelessly fall in love with a music man that lives too far away for comfort. He will be a poet, and that will be my demise. Leave the city, and move into a home I can decorate with him. (I'm laughing as I write this, just so you know;)) Pursue my love of body modification, and tattoo black work/traditional hand poking tattoos on the side. Teach art, and have a Warehouse to exhibit mine/friends work, showcase musicians, ect. Travel and continue studying Amazonian Shamanism. Hold conferences on advancements in ethnobotanical/pharmacological research. Cook with my lover and eat outside in the garden every day. Drive a vehicle I'd have converted to run on alcohol, oh yeah and have countless photo albums to tell my story;).

Wishful thinking is a thing of insanity, but I am aware I am just wishing so maybe its okay?;)

'Do not fume, or fret, or wish. Take the situation calmly, accept it agreeably, without any emotional conflict. Do not class things as good and bad, but go ahead in full strength, and see what you can do in the matter.'-Ernest E. Wood, 'The Glorious Presence'

from last night.

I just finished watching the film 'Children of Haiti' on one of my favorite programs 'Independent Lens'. I recommend it to you. I must have cried throughout the entire thing. I cry a lot. Maybe I shouldn't have said that. I feel a lot. Moments like these have been brought upon me more and more; moments where I see the suffering of others, the suffering of the world. Maybe its because I am suffering myself. But my suffering is self inflicted, I have been desiring things I have never desired before. How selfish. Here I am trying to 'find myself' when there I am the entire time. Have you read 'Ishmael'? Theres a little piece right in the beginning where its said that spiritual paths are all inherently selfish because you look into yourself, Its about you and not the world. I agree to an extent and disagree to another. I also subscribe to the idea that you've got to get yourself together first before you can help anyone or anything. To be a living example of that which you believe. And to live absent of all that you consider evil. Its all gravy on paper, intellectualized, or as a philosophical idea, but in moments where the ugly reality is shoved in your face its so ridiculous. How is me finding myself, painting, and doing all the things I enjoy going to help the child I see starving? What am I doing to better the lifes of my brothers and sisters? Theres this part in the Tao Te Ching that says "The world is sacred. It cant be improved. If you tamper with it, you'll ruin it.." I dig that and understand it completely, I live it mentally and spiritually but at the same time I am Human, I feel things, you cannot take that away from me. The Tao goes on to say, "The master sees things as they are, without trying to control them." Word, right? Let me connect with a hungry, poverty stricken soul, a suffering soul and tell them that everything is perfect in every moment. Is that not almost an insult?! William Blake has this poem, it starts: "Can I see another's woe, And not be in sorrow too? Can I see another's grief, And not seek for kind relief?.." I cannot. These philosophies are so wonderful and 'eternal, never born; thus can never die' they 'Have no desires for itself; thus is present for all beings'. Thinking on it Zen is like that, a lot of things then come to be like that; very paradoxical and complexly simple. So is the point present. "The point present is the moment in which there is no change. It is as paradoxical as the Mathematical point- which is considered to have no size, but nevertheless to be capable of accumulation to form a line!" Is that not synonymous with these philosophies? This is from a book named 'The Glorious Presence' on the Vedanta Philosophy, It has come to make a big impact in my life. It goes on, "The practical present is quite different; it contains some past and future. This is the actual present time that we experience in our lives, and it can be larger and smaller in different persons." I think that is the nature of this thought, I accept the point present, and am living consciously in the practical present. 'Thoughts weaken the mind' -Tao. And thought is evident in my practical present. I accept the paradox I find myself in. I cannot be in every moment entirely centered, or one with nothingness. What would that make of the world? Nature is always there; a sunflower seed will always bring forth a sunflower. It is what it is. I am Human, I suffer from a fullness of life and empathy If it hinders me so be it. It is part of my experience. Balance is key to life. I walk the line between oneness and separation. Both help to connect with another. Children are some of the most intriguing souls. Beautiful and do not possess vocabulary enough to complexify or falsify the truth. Maybe thats why this film was so touching, who cannot feel for their Innocence.

I want to hold hands, and maybe have a conversation with my Inner Child.