Yesterday was my father's birthday. He is such an amazing man, the more I learn about him the more I grow to admire and respect him. Its a never ending thing. Well today could not have been more horrible, after so much sacrifice to guarantee some college of course more bullshit comes into view, I am now attending 1 fucking class. what fucking bullshit. I don't think I have ever been so angry, I already had everything ready and classes were cancelled just days before the first day. What to do, nobody seemed to be able to help me. I think one man only tried because he could tell I was really sad. The earliest I can even hope to get any answers is Monday, the day of class. Whatever is, is right. On top of that, all this other school-related shit is already fucked up for next year, I am in the process of correcting that as well. However as bad as it seems, I am trying my best to stay positive. Sometimes it works, other times I just start crying in the middle of the road somewhere. I know, I'm a baby. School is one of those things that always gets to me. I hate it. Maybe its the anti-establishment or fuck authority fraction of me that takes over and realizes I'll be part of the system and yet I feel sad when it doesn't work out then of course I feel angry at my predicament. AHHH manic depression. I don't want to leave so much negativity so, the days are really nice, its been really windy and we've been having decent rain chances. Sometimes in my moments of sadness I go outside and feel the wind. Sometimes I listen to drumming. No matter the outcome of my situation, I go to class on Monday. Also, I'm a baller, money has just been finding its way to me, but its always been like that. I think its because I could care less about it, I always seem to have money. Maybe if I always wanted it I wouldn't have it.

Sitting, eating a bagel with cream cheese, watching 'Hail! Hail! Rock and Roll'. Things are horrible. I don't know what happened, things were looking great and now everything is lost. Yet the moment I say that is the moment it becomes ridiculous. I can feel that this is the way its supposed to be right now, I don't know why. Obstacles have just been plentiful, almost as if to make me realize not to take a certain path, does that make sense? I was supposed to go back to school tomorrow and here I am today knowing I cant. Looks like I'm going to miss the first quarter, at least. I wonder why. Why am I feeling sad over missing school? I did not even want to go back really, but I kind of did. I saw it as a way to get back on track. Now what? Shit! I thought everything would come together with me going back to school. After sobbing like a baby, it looks like its back to reading, painting and more reading. Wait, isn't that the life? To worry is to doubt the universe, a lesson learned time and time again;).

free writing from May 13, 2010

Imagine not to imagine, to feel just to feel. To be because you are, because there, nowhere, you are everywhere.	everything flows swaying harmoniously yet I stand still	I want to loose my identity Be free. Boundless. Time cannot regulate what I shall become