Probably my favorite (and by favorite I probably mean, most intriguing, most revealing), quote from Adolf Hitler I have heard was come across by reading, or half reading this book called "The Psychopathic God: Adolf Hitler". There it is said that Hitler once told Franz Halder: "You will never learn what I am thinking. And those who boast most loudly that they know my thought, to such people I lie even more."
I bring this up because its reason for me even starting a blog. I was so isolated and depressed. I felt so alone even though people were all around me. Then I became alone, truly alone, I stopped communication with everyone almost and just sunk deeper into this hole. Then one day it hit me: nobody really knew me, I hid myself from everyone; I was lying to everyone that I knew, myself included. Im sure if I'd visited a doctor I would have been diagnosed with Depression and put on crazy medications. Instead I remembered Hitler's quote, and it felt so ugly to identify with the mentality of such an evil man. I decided to put my thoughts up for all to see, it seemed to help but even while writting in journals and thinking that what I wrote would be up, open the next day..it always changed what I would say, and I was still removing myself from the world by just venting into a void of complete strangers. Sometimes I think that I should become an actress on something like that: I would have so many lifes and relationships, they would all be brief yet be captured for eternity, with no commitment to a thing, nothing would be real.
So to the point, I have been posting less and less, and I've been thinking more of what I am doing and what I should be doing. And I need something real. Being on the internet, I have met so many amazing people from all over the world and I am so thankful for that. Its so crazy how much online relationships have transformed the world, the other day I was sitting down drinking some water, when this commercial on a nearby television caught my attention. It was an ad for an online dating site, and it started by saying: 1 in 5 relationships start online now days. Imagine that, I mean really imagine it. I dont think I would ever date someone I met online, maybe I am oldfashioned but I want to go back to going where life took you and meeting people that way. Although the same would apply perhaps to the internet, for me it is just not the same. I have this blog up now, if I met a person they would know more about me and the cycle of understanding one another would be sped up and more than likely I would not be needed, does that make sense? Like why get together to talk, or catch up when you can read me online.
I want something more real, closer than that, I don't want an online personality with a cult following.
How can I see and feel the world from behind a computer screen? How can I live and learn from experience by sitting in a desk? Who am I to say anything and claim it to be great truth? I have nothing to say. Theres this Terence McKenna quote I always see floating around online in great irony: "Stop consuming images and start producing them!" Maybe this is the end. Nothing Lasts.
Maybe sometime when I am in another place I will have something to say, something to share.
I'll try to be around and about. But if I'm not then know I am behind your eyelids, and I'll meet you there.