I had a weird thought the other day. Well maybe not entirely a thought but an urge [to act upon it] as well. I was driving downtown and it occured to me I had slowed down and come to a stop, just like that, like some fucking mindless zombie. I gathered that I'd seen a red light so therefore I stopped, and was without knowing waiting for the light to turn green so I could then continue on my way. Ive had thoughts like these before, in fact here is something I wrote a long time ago:

...If one doesnt believe in mind control then just look at street signs.
Yellow, what comes to mind? Yield, something ahead, a slowdown kind of thing.
Red? Stop, danger. Or go on green, maybe information of some kind. So what kind
of feeling do colors give one? And are the above mentioned the underlying
feelings when these colors are presented to one independently?...

But something was different this time; while realizing that sometimes these symbols (in this case light) conjure up some subconcious instinct setting me on 'automatic', I felt a slave. What had [then] become of my free will? And as this question was presented to me I had the oddest urge to speed ridiculously or to run all the red lights and get where I was going how I chose. This really puzzled me as it happened again within the hour or two, on the way back home when I found myself stopped again. This [second] time was a little different as I was stopped at a railroad crossing by a passing train, I had no interest in killing myself yet there I was wanting to step on the gas.

Anyway, I got home hating the fact that I'd given in to getting a licence and was out driving with the 'autopilot' population. That night as I was getting ready for bed, I cleared some space to lay down and picked up 'People of the Lie', (the book I previously said id been reading) I had become distracted by other books, one including 'The Soul Unearthed' (which is just wonderful!) that I'd forgotten to finish this one. I had read two pages shy of a new chapter so I read them, and it never seizes to amaze me how much life has to show you, what it offers in countless forms, in this case funny synchronicity. I read the following:

"...I have seen cases in which an individual made an evil choice for no apparent reason other than the pure desire to excersice the freedom of his or her will. It is as if such people say to themselves, "I know what is supposed to be the right action in this situation, but I am dammed if I am going to be bound to notions of morality or even to my own conscience. Were I to do the good thing, it would be because it is good. But if I do the bad thing, it will be solely because I want to. Therefore I shall do the bad, because it is my freedom to do so...."

The author then quotes Malachi Martin (now reading this made my entire day) :

"...Malachi Martin, depicting the struggle of a man to free himself from possession, gives the best description I know of the free human will in action: All at once he knew what that strenght was. It was his will. His autonomous will. He himself as a freely-choosing beign. With a sidelong glance of his mind, he dismissed once and for all that fabric of mental illusions about psychological motivations, behavioral stimulations, rationales, mentalistic hedges, situational ethics, social loyalties and communal shibboleths. All was dross and already eaten up and disintegrated in the flames of this experience which still might consume him. Only his will remained. Only his freedom of spirit to choose held firm. Only the agony of free choice remained . . . afterwards he wondered for a long time how many real choices he had made freely in his life before that night. For it was that agony of choosing freely-totally freely-that was now his. Just for the sake of choosing. Without any outside stimuli. Without any background in memory. Without any push from aquired tastes and persuasions. Without any gravamen from a desire to live or die-for at this moment he was indifferent to both. He was, in a sense, like the donkey medieval philosophers had fantasized as helpless, immobilized, and destined to starve because it stood equidistant from two equivalent bales of hay and could not decide which one to approach and eat. Totally free choice . . . He had to choose. The freedom to accept or reject. A proposed step into a darkness . . . All seemed waiting on his next step. His own. Only his."

Wow! What can one do but stand back in amazement as questions are answered before one can even relate them to oneself, not to mention another? Actually, before one is even able to formulate the question itself, yet once its [the question] understood, there is the answer looking back at you, gotten by the nature of this beautiful existence.