This is dumb, I know that from the start. Who will read this? Will anyone read this? I dont care, which is to say I probably do. I think too much. Sometimes thinking is my enemy. Do you believe in the multiverse theory? You know, that there is an infinite number of universes parallel to ours in which all possibilities exist. Well sometimes I use this as an excuse for certain things or to mask feelings I do not want to admit to myself. I can already feel this to be getting too personal. Love. This new year is kicking my ass! I have never reflected on things so much due to a new year. These celebrations would just come and go and in moments of total sobriety was when these reflections would usually take place, followed by intoxicated bliss if you know what I mean. Alone. It struck me in these moments of vulnerability that I was alone, and Ive been alone. To someone on the outside this is no realization, It is by choice after all. But why do I choose this? This is usually when I say something like 'why even stay on the subject, accept the current situation. Some where in the multiverse your married.' Then total awe comes rushing when possibilities flood my mind: somewhere in the multiverse I'm a man, I'm homeless, I'm a murderer, I'm the Pope, I am dead. So this cycle takes me away from the problem but only for so long, until the next coming time. Sad times. I realize I'd love to have someone to share this sadness with. Crazy? I know. And absolutely selfish. I only want to share sadness, in happy times I am so content with being free; only in sadness do I think of loneliness. Notice how I describe my same situation with seemingly opposing words. A time not too long ago made me first have these thoughts. I had never felt so free, I still remember.. I left unplanned, quick suitcase filled with books, journals and paint rather than clothes. On a bus alone and headed to one of the most beautiful places on Earth for an undetermined period of time. At last I was face to face with Life! Bliss. Then one night, while in what I thought was Heaven, thoughts again flooded my mind. I noticed quickly the nature of these thoughts. Knowing I would definitely love to revisit them with a clearer mindset, I put pen to paper:

All the beautiful places of the world are not enough, not complete without a strangers hand. One who I know not of, maybe have not noticed to this date. I feel in some moments loneliness crushes all the memories of happiness, in one moment of loneliness your day collapses to what seems like nothing; useless. Even though moments before you were happy. So to be lonely forever might create a mirage of a meaningless life, when really you had one filled with meaning. Maybe there is such things as soulmates, as 'one soul in two bodies' to evolve together in unconditional love and trust. Maybe that is real.

Soon I do one of those previously mentioned full circles, I say to myself my accepted definition of soul mates: that every soul is a mate to one another in life. I reassure myself that I love and evolve, that I know my life story will not consist of those kind of soulmates(one soul made for me). And then I do not feel so sad. Naturally, afterwards I feel totally right where I am and know I am where I need to be. I do not know if I enjoy these paradoxical moments but I let them flow, I do not hold on to the thought because then it spirals and I get lost in it confused. Insight. In every one of my personal relationships I have been the one to leave and never was it mutually agreed upon, always was it unannounced and never to be heard from again. Actions more selfish cannot be made. I of course have interpreted this as a convenient 'I am to be alone, for no one'. This is crazy and pointless, I have gotten no where by reaching everywhere in all directions. If you're still here, I don't know why you haven't given up reading. I am a mess here! Maybe its relatable and if so I am not entirely alone, and I hope a true connection has been made between our selves. After all, somewhere in the multiverse I am you;).