Probably my favorite (and by favorite I probably mean, most intriguing, most revealing), quote from Adolf Hitler I have heard was come across by reading, or half reading this book called "The Psychopathic God: Adolf Hitler". There it is said that Hitler once told Franz Halder: "You will never learn what I am thinking. And those who boast most loudly that they know my thought, to such people I lie even more."

I bring this up because its reason for me even starting a blog. I was so isolated and depressed. I felt so alone even though people were all around me. Then I became alone, truly alone, I stopped communication with everyone almost and just sunk deeper into this hole. Then one day it hit me: nobody really knew me, I hid myself from everyone; I was lying to everyone that I knew, myself included. Im sure if I'd visited a doctor I would have been diagnosed with Depression and put on crazy medications. Instead I remembered Hitler's quote, and it felt so ugly to identify with the mentality of such an evil man. I decided to put my thoughts up for all to see, it seemed to help but even while writting in journals and thinking that what I wrote would be up, open the next day..it always changed what I would say, and I was still removing myself from the world by just venting into a void of complete strangers. Sometimes I think that I should become an actress on something like that: I would have so many lifes and relationships, they would all be brief yet be captured for eternity, with no commitment to a thing, nothing would be real.

So to the point, I have been posting less and less, and I've been thinking more of what I am doing and what I should be doing. And I need something real. Being on the internet, I have met so many amazing people from all over the world and I am so thankful for that. Its so crazy how much online relationships have transformed the world, the other day I was sitting down drinking some water, when this commercial on a nearby television caught my attention. It was an ad for an online dating site, and it started by saying: 1 in 5 relationships start online now days. Imagine that, I mean really imagine it. I dont think I would ever date someone I met online, maybe I am oldfashioned but I want to go back to going where life took you and meeting people that way. Although the same would apply perhaps to the internet, for me it is just not the same. I have this blog up now, if I met a person they would know more about me and the cycle of understanding one another would be sped up and more than likely I would not be needed, does that make sense? Like why get together to talk, or catch up when you can read me online.

I want something more real, closer than that, I don't want an online personality with a cult following.

How can I see and feel the world from behind a computer screen? How can I live and learn from experience by sitting in a desk? Who am I to say anything and claim it to be great truth? I have nothing to say. Theres this Terence McKenna quote I always see floating around online in great irony: "Stop consuming images and start producing them!" Maybe this is the end. Nothing Lasts.

Maybe sometime when I am in another place I will have something to say, something to share.

I'll try to be around and about. But if I'm not then know I am behind your eyelids, and I'll meet you there.

Where to start. I am enjoying one of my favorite videos, Madakao Jace 2009, its one of the things I turn to when I want to be shown something beautiful. School has been so great, out of no where and by many 'accidents', my schedule turned to be what it began as, it just proves that 'whatever is, is right' , I am going everyday, some days early, others in the evening. Its nice to feel like your doing something right, you know what I mean? Even though I don't necessarily agree with the whole "college" thing, I feel like my days are more productive. My professors are great, and I've met very interesting people, sometimes I find myself daydreaming of studying more to the core of my subject(cultural anthropology and ethnobotany), and the people I will meet, the places I will see. Maybe one thing I don't so much like is driving to school, you know how that goes. Wish I could learn to fly. I am not going to the same college I applied to, I am attending a new one and it was the thing to do, everything is new, I needed that so much... but I just didn't know it. Maybe it is appropriate to bring up a nice quote:

"My life seemed to be a series of events and accidents. Yet when I look back I see a pattern." -Benoit Mandelbrot

freewriting from March 11, 2011

Where would I be without you

so many different kinds of you

Man

Sorry I have been so distant. The other night I was lounging around and a long missed feeling reoccured: I wanted to paint. So I painted. Man, how I have missed that. I just relaxed and painted, listened to The Black Keys for a while. The last time I listened to them while painting was at a really crazy time in my life. I would see this guy nightly, we were both 'late night owls', he showed me so many beautiful sights in town. It was really nice to have someone to show you things, thats really all that matters to me: That you show me beautiful things, tell me stories or just share something with me and you will have my heart for ever. In that time of my life I painted every night, all night. Inspiration has just been so lacking. Last night I felt so deprived of a lot of things not solely creativity. I felt really weak so I took a late night shower, a really quick shower , went outside to gaze at the 'supermoon' for a time and layed down.

I wish that you could see my room, its so calming to me. I bring a little bit of nature indoors. I have trees and flowers, beautiful rocks and just nice things that compliment the white walls and barely green ceiling which gives the light such a soothing feeling. I have two windows, I havent opened them in some time though. Anyway I layed there recollecting the past night's painting session and why all of a sudden I wanted to paint. I remembered that I was recalling a series of dreams that I've had for the past year or two, and the new addition to the series that occured this week. Ive always wanted to write about these dreams but always ended up writting about others.

There is a man who haunts some of my most beautiful dreams. Always he is in shadow form, or very normal in appereance but when he is, I cannot seem to get a glimpse of his face. Until December of last year. December 29th to be exact. (I wrote the date down, maybe that gives you an idea of my feelings toward these dreams) That dream on a December night was about me leaving him to be free, very much immitating my waking life relationships, I was about to leave when he would not let go and I saw his face! I do not know a man resembling him in my life. Anyway the dream progressed and I got to know him so much more. He was perfect. One of the things that puzzles me about these dreams is how relevant to my waking life personality, or interests they are. This man had built me a house, a dream house, in it he had a library for me. The first book he showed me to make it known how interested in me he was, (as if building me a home wasn't enough) was Benoit Mandelbrot's 'Fractals: Form, Chance and Dimension.'! I have longed for that book for the longest time just so you know the shock value to me personally. ...I dont want to bore you with matters of details. Long story short since that dream where I saw this man's face I hadn't dreamt of him for sometime. Until very recently. Looking back, he always comes in times of trouble.

In this dream I turned on a video camera and layed down in this sofa with this man sitting in a chair infront of me. With the video camera recording he proceeded to play a guitar for me. The most beautiful sounds filled my dreams that night. In this dream he said that the only way he would play was for me, or to me, that watching me was like reading music and if I wanted to relive the music I had to record the moment from which it was created. That night I did not see his face once again, he sat in the shadows of the room we were in.

Those are my dreams, aren't they something? They make me feel really happy for some reason and while remembering them often times I start to daydream, and then Imagination finds its way to me resulting in many more beautiful things. An artist's inspiration, I've always believed can come in many forms. Its becoming more apparent that an artist's muse needs not roam the reality in which they create. Happiness.